Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Struggles with rushrushrush

We had some not bad news from the vet. Juneau's recent bloodwork shows a little bit of positive movement. She's still in bad shape, but this is the first indication that something (anything) is working.

Life has changed. It is different then when Cody was sick...back then we bounced from the lowest lows to a relatively normal life several times. It was hard, but hope was always there. Now I find myself awake for an hour at night listening to Juneau breathe, and wondering if each breath will be her last. And happy when it isn't. We take slow walks around the park and I push that rushrushrush mentality out of my head and just watch her enjoying each slow, labored step. This whole thing has really caused me to slow take a bit of time and scratch a puppy's ear, enjoy a moment of silence, and just be.

It's so easy for me to get into that rushrushrush frame of mind, and I've learned these last few weeks that is really isn't helpful. Rushing didn't get anyone anywhere. Rushing has us ignore simple pleasures and alienates us from those we love. I'm not proud that it took my sweet pup getting fatally ill for me to learn this, but at least I've learned it while I've still had some time with her. And it shows that Juneau will leave this part of her with me when she goes, and so will always be with me as I struggle against rushrushrush.

Sorry for the abnormal post. Obviously things are on my mind and it is great to have a place to sort them all out.


Kim said...

This is tremendous, Twinny. I am so glad you're seeing what can be taken as positive from all this. And I've no doubt Juneau is feeling that, too.

Nothing but love to you all.

kathy b said...

oh so so sorry. Prayers to St. Francis for you both